Monday, July 25, 2011

The Hot Seat

I'm sure all guys can agree with me when I say that I'm getting sick and tired of hearing women bitch and complain about the us leaving the toilet seat up. 

Before I even get into the irrationality behind women's logic, let us first just look at the act itself. Exactly how hard is it to simply move a toilet seat from the up position to the down position? Does a toilet seat possess some kind of kryptonite-like properties that render a woman's arm strength to almost nothing? There is absolutely no manual labor involved here...none whatsoever. It literally takes less than one second to put the seat down.

Now, on to some of the half-assed excuses that that drive this feeble complaint of theirs. Some women will say that this is a courtesy issue. We know that you have to have the seat down to use the bathroom, so why not have it ready for you when it's time for you to go? Well the answer is because we would never get the same courtesy in return. There's not a woman out there that is going to put the lid back up after she's done. After all, look how hard it was to lower the goddamn thing to begin with.  Now besides courtesy, other women will argue that it is a sanitary/germ issue. Well here's a handy little tidbit of information for you. There are more germs and bacteria found on the keypad/screen of your cell phone than there is in a toilet.  And I'm not talking about your home toilet either...I mean a public toilet.  I'm not making this up...it has been scientifically proven.  So if you're one of these germaphobe people and think a toilet seat is "icky", then I suggest you put away your cell phone and never use it again. But we all know that will never happen. A woman would give up her first born child before she gives up her cell phone.  Also think about this: look how many dirty, icky things guys have to get into so that you don't have to. Yard work, vehicle upkeep, house maintenance, pest control, electronics installation/troubleshooting/repair...the list goes on and on. I'll tell you what...make this deal with your husband: You volunteer to take care of all of that stuff I just listed, and in return he'll put the toilet seat down. I guarantee he will take you up on that offer.

Now that I've poked holes in your "logic", if that's what you want to call it, let me give you my take. Personally, I don't think this is a courtesy or sanitary issue.  I simply think this is just another thing for women to nag us about.  You see, women HAVE to nag.  It's a necessity, just as important as breathing.  So when things are going too well and there's a shortage of topics to bitch about, women will always have that toilet seat issue in their back pocket...and will pull it out in a dire nagging drought emergency.  And if your husband is so reckless with his piss aim that he couldn't hit the bowl if he put a rifle scope on his dick, then you have a husband problem, not a toilet seat problem.  At any rate, this is a feeble, simplistic topic that needs to be put to rest by all women.  There are much worse issues in the world that you should be concerned about.  Stop wasting your energy on this one.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rest Assured...You're Insured.

Insurance companies suck.  I guess that's about the best way for me to open this post.  Have you ever thought about how much money you have put into insurance (auto, home, life) in your entire life? Now think about how much money the insurance company has given back to you for a claim. Those are some pretty fucking lopsided numbers, aren't they?

There are many types of policies for many different things.  For automobile insurance, you have to choose amongst a million different options for coverage. Do you want the uninsured motorist option? What kind of deductible would you like? How about this....just cover everything for zero deductible. Do you realize how much of my money you are robbing me of every fucking month?  If I had a fender bender, you assholes could pay for all of the repairs with no deductible from me and still be robbing me!  And to make matters worse, that fender bender will now make your rates go up, especially if Sen├Ár Magoo with no insurance is the one that was involved in the accident with you.

Home insurance can be even more ridiculous. So your house and all of your possessions are completely ruined by floods? Well sorry about your luck, because you didn't add flood coverage to your policy. Why do you have to pay extra for individual disasters that might happen?  Why can't one policy just fucking cover everything?  The insurance companies know that it's vital to be insured, so they take advantage of you in every way that they can.  So now your flooded house just rendered you homeless with nothing but the clothes you are wearing, while the insurance company that's supposed to be taking care of you just told you to go fuck yourself. How nice.

Here's a little quiz you can take to find out if you are getting fucked by an insurance company.  Do you have insurance?  If you answered yes, then you're getting fucked by an insurance company.  One of my favorite comedians, Dennis Miller, summed it up perfectly when he said that insurance companies are all about symbolism. Insurance companies use certain pictures to show you that you are safe and protected.  Allstate has the open hands, Traveler's has the umbrella, Nationwide has the blanket.  That is, of course, until you need to file a claim---then they all have the same symbol: a big, knobby eight inch dildo.  Actually, it's a ten inch dildo, but there's a two inch deductible.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Religion

If you are a Christian that is easily offended when someone has negative things to say about religion, you might as well stop reading now.  There's your disclaimer...so if you continue reading and you're upset when you're done...then fuck you, because you were warned.

I've been racking my brain for years and years, but I still can't find one good thing to say about religion. I guess I should preface this post by saying that I don't have a problem with your religious beliefs, as long as those beliefs don't affect others.  Most religious beliefs are instilled in most people at a very early age, most likely passed down from family. Same goes for me. I was a Christian as a child, but mostly because that's what I was SUPPOSED to be. It was taboo to be anything else. Well all of that lasted until I reached the age of reason, and was able to do some thinking of my own. With some research and, most importantly common sense, it didn't take me long to figure out that all religions are complete bullshit. So don't think I'm just picking on Christianity.

In the history of the world, there has been more wars, deaths, violence, torture, and hatred...all in the name of God. So how exactly is that a good thing? Just turn on the nightly news, you'll see a nice big dose of the atrocities that your God allows to go on all the time. People raping and murdering little children, natural disasters like tsunamis, earthquakes, and tornados, destruction, random shootings, drug and alcohol induced violence, serial killers...the list goes on and on. How could a loving god allow all of this to happen?  Now, if you're like any other Christian, you'll no doubt start preaching to me about "free will".  Well you can go ahead and save that speech, because I've heard it already a million times. And each time I hear it, it still doesn't make any fucking sense.  Christianity has absolutely no rationality behind it whatsoever.  There is no evidence, proof, science or anything to support the christian religion as truth. Nothing.  The only way that christians rationalize their religion is to say, "Well you just have to have faith".  They say this because there is nothing else to support it. Well sorry, I need to see proof of purchase before I go blindly basing my life on a hunch. Religion is synonymous with mythology. Sure, it makes for a great story, but there's no way in fuck it actually happened.

Now, like I said before, I have no problem with you believing in God. After all, it is well within your rights as an American to believe in whatever you want to believe in....just as it's my right to be an athiest (or as I like to call it---a Free Thinker).  What I do have a problem with, however, is this need for religions to recruit.  Look, if I'm interested in your religion, I'll come to you.  But don't you dare step foot on my property and try to sell that shit to me. I will not hesitate to snatch that bible out of your hand and jam it straight up your ass sideways. And don't approach me on the street with pamphlets or brochures, either. Why is all of this necessary, anyways? Are you finding it hard to keep followers? Hmmm...I wonder why.

Christianity isn't just a religion, it's a business.  And let me tell you...business is booming.  Televangelists are some of the richest people. People pay pretty handsomely to be "healed" by some sweaty, fast talking piece of shit in a suit, dangling eternal salvation in front of these poor bastards like a leash in front of a chihuahua with one kidney.  Hell, I'm in the wrong business.  I'm willing to lie right to your face and make empty promises...all in exchange for a fast sports car and a giant mansion (all mostly tax free I might add).  Where do I sign?

Look folks, religion might ease your fears about death, but as far as while you're still alive...well it's mostly just causing trouble.  I can't help but laugh whenever I hear someone use the phrase "Christian values".  Believe me when I say that I have WAY better values than 90% of the christians that I know. You don't have to be a christian to be a good person. When I hear "Christian values", I think about how I'm looked down upon for not believing as you believe. I think about a mother that drowned all of her children in a bathtub because "God told her to do it".  I think about religious groups that protest in hatred at a soldiers funeral.  So you have christian values? Well you can keep them, because quite frankly, I'm better than that. Use your own brain for a change, and stop thinking and believing as you are told by others.  As far as I'm concerned, I can make you this promise: I will not judge you for your religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, or opinions....no matter how much I might disagree with them.  I will only judge you based on your strength of character, which is a lot more than I can say for Christianity.  Cheers.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Marketing Malaise

Have you ever noticed how people will buy pretty much anything if it is marketed right? All you need is to use the right buzz words, and I guarantee you can sell anything.

Being a night owl, I'm able to catch a lot of infomercials on tv. I can't help but laugh at some of the things that are selling. The other night I saw a commercial come on that was selling sunglasses. But these weren't just any sunglasses...they were HIGH DEFINITION sunglasses. When people see the term "HD" in front of anything, they automatically assume it's a great product. But these were just ordinary sunglasses. It's your own real-life vision, you fucking moron. It doesn't get any more "HD" than that. So why do I need to buy your shitty, BluBlocker recycled aviators for $19.95?

How about bottled water? Are you the type of person that pays a lot more for your water because the bottle says that it comes from the purest stream atop Mount Fuji? If so, go ahead and punch yourself in the face. I gurantee that I could fill up a bottle with the hose in my backyard, and you wouldn't even know the difference. You know why? Because it's just fucking water...that's why. I'll even go one step further and put the "recycled" green logo on it for you, just for added peace of mind.

If you really want to make some money, just advertise a magic weight loss pill. Americans will buy that without hesitation. Here's the American mentality for losing weight: "So all I have to do is take this pill a couple of times a day, and I'll lose weight. I can still eat what I want and I don't have to exercise or anything!". Then they hand over a fuckload of money for what boils down to be a sugar pill (placebo). They want the results without having to lift a finger. Classic genius.

Before I wrap this up, I'd like for someone to explain to me how the term "couponing" came to be. That's not even an actual thing. If you use a coupon on something, you are saving...not couponing. If you are collecting coupons to use later, you are collecting, not couponing. Much the same way if I want to take a sip of my Dr. Pepper, I'm drinking, not "soda canning". Couponing is not a word, much less to use it as a fucking verb. Once again, this is a marketing buzz word.

The moral of the story...stop buying stupid shit based on marketing buzz words. (I had more to rant about on this subject, but since I blog from work, I'm on a time constraint...and I just ran out. Sorry for the abrupt ending.)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Is That a Rash On Your Neck?

OK, people from the south, get ready to hate my guts...because this post is about rednecks. I should preface this post by saying that not all southern people are rednecks. To normal people, the term "redneck" is actually derogatory slang. But, for some reason, rednecks call themselves that with pride, as if it's a good thing.

For each race of human, there is a shitty version of it. We all know the terms, so I won't bother listing them. For white people, rednecks are at the abominable end of the spectrum. I personally don't use the term redneck. I prefer to call it what it is...white trash. You don't have to look very hard to spot one, either. Rednecks are everywhere...not just the south. They are usually loud and obnoxious, and don't know how to conduct themselves in public. They LOVE for the attention to be on them in a public place. I've also never understood the redneck dress code. Why is it necessary to wear Realtree camouflage in your everyday life...when you're NOT hunting? Why don't you do yourself a favor and hunt down some fucking self respect, okay Billy Bob? Of course, when they aren't camouflaging themselves, then they go the other end of the fashion spectrum: loud and gaudy. This wardrobe consists of some ripped jean shorts, flip flops, and a shirt that is covered with the American flag...preferrably with a giant eagle on it. Top that off with a Harley Davidson doo rag, and viola, you have yourself a Douchebag Delight.

The thing that baffles me most about white trash rednecks is how proud they are. They boast with all smiles about how much of a redneck they are. Why on earth would you be proud to be garbage? These people make absolutely no effort to better themselves in any way, shape, or form. Conversely, they actually strive to be trashier! What the fuck?

Another thing about rednecks that makes my skin crawl is their accent. They speak with very slow, drawn out words that, more times than not, are mispronounced...you know, much the same way a person does that has had a brain injury. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you take a break from catfishing and go get yourself an education? These are the type of people that think a thesaurus is a fucking dinosaur.

The bottom line is that being a redneck is nothing to be proud of. But, I guess in retrospect, it's kind of a good thing to have them around. For me personally, when I'm feeling down in the dumps with my life, I can always look at a white trash redneck and say, "Well it could be so much worse. At least I'm not like that dirty, barefooted fucktard right there."