Tuesday, December 20, 2011

And The Douchiest Facebook Post Goes To...(Part Deux) (Redux)

People never cease to amaze me with the kinds of things they post on Facebook.  I am constantly finding myself deleting people from my friends list because of their need to pollute my news feed with garbage.  A while back, I jotted down some things I see on facebook every single day that absolutely annoy me.  In case you missed it, (and I'm sure you have) here's a brief synopsis:

1. Nobody's watching those 1000's of lame music videos you're always posting
2. Nobody cares about your garden, mafia, or any other game you play on facebook.
3. Jesus and your dead relatives aren't receiving those shout outs you're giving them on your wall.

So since I don't post to facebook anymore, I've become more of a spectator. And with each visit to the site, I see posts from people that make me wonder why they thought it was a good idea to put these things on there.  So with this blog post, I figured I'd add a couple of things to my original list, as well as re-visit some of the things already listed.

Let's start out by pointing out the stupidity of posting music videos once again, since this seems to be the most posted thing by people.  Guess what?  We all like music.  I promise.  It's not just you.  We have all seen music videos before.  It's not just you.  This isn't a brand new concept that only you have discovered, and are just awesome enough to share this wonderful gift with the rest of us.  So you want to tell your girlfriend that you love her, so you decide to post All 4 One's "I Swear" on facebook.  Here's an idea: just look to your immediate left...she's sitting right there on the fucking couch. Just tell her.  Don't subject all of your friends the horrible music you listen to.  Sure, you might get one or two people to reply to your post with "Awwww" or "So Sweet!"....but trust me, everyone else on your friends list is thinking, "What a fucking homo".

Now on to the next group of mouth breathers. Why is it that people feel the need to take a picture of the food they're about to eat and post it on facebook?  Are we all supposed oooh and ahhh and marvel at the fact that you are finally adult enough to cook some chicken without nearly burning the fucking house down?  Is that burger you're about to eat really supposed to make us all jealous?  If you were posting that picture while you were in Ethiopia, and everyone else around you had their ribs showing and flies on their face, than I can see how it would be a great accomplishment.  But we're in America...the land of fat fucks.  Food is so abundant here, that people actually have allergies to a lot of it.  Once again, when you post that food picture, you might get one or two people that will reply with a "Yum!" or "Looks delicious!"...but everyone else on your friends list is thinking, "What a complete fucktard".

Lastly, something that is a sure-fire way to get yourself deleted from my friends list are these constant "copy & paste" status posts.  The last thing I want to see when I log on are these asinine public service announcements about animals, incurable illnesses, or relationship pointers....especially when I have to see the same one 27 different times on my news feed.  The person you got it from is a douchebag for posting it, and now you are too.  Copy and paste posts are like herpes....you're giving something to people that they don't want.

Of course, this is all just my opinion, which amounts to jack squat. Happy Posting!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Christmas Jeer

Well, it's here...the most dreaded time of the year.  Christmas is upon us, and the idiocy has taken center stage at a less-than-mediocre show.  It's the time of year where two different groups of people have two different mentalities.  You have the realists, who dread having to face large crowds in every store, being stretched thin financially, annoying people shaking a bell in your face everywhere, and and people being as fake as can be.  Then there's the other group: the dreamers.  These are the people with a manufactured smile plastered on their face, Christmas music playing, and a "True meaning of Christmas" speech loaded and ready to be fired upon those they call Scrooges.

So you're a big fan  of Christmas, are you?  What exactly do you like about it?  Well if you are one of these religious fanatics, you'll no doubt launch into one of those speeches that I mentioned above.  Yeah yeah...we all know the true meaning of Christmas, or at least what it's SUPPOSED to be. Yeah, it's a celebration of that one bearded guy you all have come to know and love (no, not me silly...my birthday is in January, but I'm so flattered that you were thinking about me!).  Now let's talk about what Christmas is ACTUALLY about...or at least what it has become.  Christmas is 100% completely materialistic.  Let's pretend for a minute that you did away with all the gifts, lights, and music...all you have is the celebration of a birth.  How much would you look forward to Christmas then?  The answer is that you wouldn't at all.  Take the materialistic aspect out, and Christmas will be about as exciting as Flag Day.  I know it and you know it...regardless of how much you tell me the contrary.  Keep that in mind next time you want to give me a lecture on the "True meaning of Christmas".

Now, let's examine this materialistic side a little closer.  Besides the dreamers, you know who loves Christmas the most?  Corporations.  The months of November and December are the biggest money makers for businesses, so they push Christmas as much as possible.  And you, the consumer, never let them down (regardless of the state of the economy).  One phenomenon that I can't seem to wrap my head around, though, is "Black Friday".  Yes, I know all about the good deals and sale prices, but I'm astonished at the lengths people will go to get them.  Morons all over the country will be camping out for days in advance outside an electronic store just to get a good deal on a tv.  Here's an idea: why don't you just work an extra day?  It takes much less time, you get to eat and sleep at your own house, and you won't have people like me making fun of you.  With that one extra day, you'll have made the money to buy the tv at a slightly higher price online, and have money left over for other gifts.  Wait...what am I thinking?  I just recommended that an American WORK for something...blasphemy!  But instead, you all jump directly to the most extreme, outlandish thing you can do.  And every single year, you see the same stories on the news about people being robbed, threatened, beaten, and even trampled to death...all to get those material possessions that define this asinine holiday.

Another thing that really annoys me about this time of year: people that go around talking about something called "Christmas Cheer".  Apparently, during the month of December, we're all supposed to smile more, and be nicer and charitable toward others.  You know what I call you people?  Fake.  It's that simple...you're being fake.  If you can manage to be like that during the month of December, than why are you such an asshole the other 11 months of the year?  To exhibit Christmas cheer, you are basically changing your personality for a brief time, because society (and the calendar) tells you to.  Yup...from January to early November, you are still going to cuss the person who just cut you off in traffic. You're still going to complain about how you don't have enough money.  But not in December!!  Nope...Christmas cheer takes over!  Suddenly, the guy that just cut you off isn't so bad...after all, he's just one of God's creatures just like you.  And not having enough money is okay, because let's not forget about the true meaning of Christmas, right?  Look folks, if you can explain to me how Christmas cheer is not being fake, I'd love to hear it.  I call it like I see it.

Lastly, why is it that Christmas begins earlier and earlier every year.  It was almost 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and I was already hearing Christmas music playing in all the stores.  Pretty soon, we will be watching the 4th of July fireworks burst into the sky while listening to "Let it Snow".  Christmas is force-fed to us so much in advance, we're all full before the actual day comes.

Look folks, Christmas could easily be a tolerable holiday if it were distributed in moderation.  But instead, it's forced upon us so much from every direction that it becomes unbearable.  You can't turn on the tv without see Christmas-themed shows, movies and commercials.  You can't turn on the radio without hearing Christmas music.  You can't interact with others without being bombarded by Christmas speeches and lectures, all the while being told how to act and how to feel for the entire month...or else feel the wrath of being labeled a "Scrooge".  Well trust me when I say that "Bah Humbug" doesn't even come close to describing how I feel about this time of year.  Just my opinion, though.  Merry Christmas!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Think Exactly As I Do...OR ELSE!!

Where did this unrelenting need to start fights with everyone who has a different opinion than you come from?  I have my suspicions, but it doesn't matter...the problem is there regardless.  If reality television has taught us anything, it's this: be as over-dramatic and start as many arguments as possible (it's what drives us as a culture)!

Facebook is, by far, the number one resource for social media.  It serves as an outlet for many things, such as staying in touch with friends and family, and using your wall to post random things that happen to be on your mind. I post random thoughts on my wall about once a week, give or take.  Usually my posts consist of things that bother me about modern society. They are little rants blended with a dash of sarcastic humor, and sprinkled with a dose of reality.  But more often than not, somebody on my "friends" list wants to start an argument with me, simply because my opinion differs from theirs. 

On Facebook, I read more of other people's posts than actually posting myself.  During my reading, I see oodles of things that I don't agree with. But you know what? That person has a right to their opinion.  But in today's world we live in, the general mentality is this: "If you don't see things exactly the same way as I do, I'm damn sure gonna let you know about it."  This is classic ignorance at it's finest. When I post on other people's status, it's only to add something nice and friendly.  If I have a negative opinion, I simply just keep it to myself. Call it maturity, being respectful, or just good old fashioned common sense.  Facebook is often times a way to blow off some steam or relieve a little stress...so if these people are really your "friends", then why add to their steam and stress with your need to rudely post your contrasting opinion?  Remember the old adage, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."?  Is that so hard?

So where are people picking up this hostility?  Well you don't need to look hard to find some answers.  Just simply turn on the television.  It doesn't matter what channel you put it on, because there is probably going to be a reality show on, regardless.  All reality shows either make it or fail miserably based on one simple thing: ratings.  And what brings in the ratings?  Conflict.  Yup...watch any reality show, and you are 100% guaranteed to see arguing, fighting, name calling, back-stabbing, trash talk, and so many "bleeps" from foul language that the show sounds like a hearing test.  Families gather around the television to get their fix of this every single night of the week.  This sort of behavior has become the norm in modern society.  Everyone from adults to children are force fed this kind of hatred and negativity each time they turn on the tv.  It becomes more apparent with each person you interact with. Reality television is an incurable disease that is plaguing society, while not many people are acknowledging that the problem exists to begin with. And I say "incurable" because these shows are here to stay, unfortunately.  And they will only get worse as each season tries to out-do all the drama from last season.

So now that I've identified what I feel is the main reason for people's demeanor these days, let's get back to Facebook.  I think I'm pretty much done posting on there for the most part.  I'm just tired of getting attacked from all angles when I say something on there.  I'll just stick to reading what everyone else posts.  After all, it's the best way to watch and learn how the ideaology of modern civilization is evolving ever so rapidly...and not for the better. I'll use what I learn to protect myself and my loved ones.  It will definitely be challenging trying to raise my little daughter to have good values, treat others with respect and kindness, and have common decency in this crazy world, while trying to shield her from the hatred, selfishness, and negativity that she will be surrounded by every single day.

In closing, just remember that everyone has opinions and views.  It's what makes us different.  So when you are on Facebook and you see people posting stuff that you don't like, just delete them from your friends list.  It's really that simple.  Because I guarantee you that absolutely nothing good will come from starting an argument, simply because you HAVE to give them your contrasting opinion...even though they didn't ask for it.    

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Crime & Punishment

America is one of, if not THE most crime-ridden, murdering, drug addicted, raping, child abducting countries in the world.  The people that are charged with these crimes are given a much too lenient sentence.  Many of these people are back out in society in no time, free to make someone else a victim.

First, let’s look at our legal system.  To be blunt, it’s a fucking joke. To watch lawyers at work in a courtroom is like watching a Saturday Night Live skit.  I really don’t know how defense attorneys can live with themselves. Their main priority in life is to keep murderers, rapists, gang members, and drug dealers free to continue to plague society.  Then there’s the jury.  Now, in past blog posts, I’ve pointed out many many reasons as to why the average American person is fucking stupid.  Well these same people, a jury of a murderers “peers”, are responsible for deciding the fate of somebody who just took your loved one from you forever.  All it comes down to is how convincing each lawyer can be to this jury of mouth breathers…regardless of what the evidence shows.  Case and point, the O.J. Simpson and Casey Anthony trials.  There are many like them that go on in this country all the time, but just don’t get the same public attention as those two. 

Now, if the criminal is unlucky enough to get a jury with some common sense, that person is sent to prison.  Our prison system is even more laughable than our courtrooms.  In many cases, life in prison is often more accommodating for people than their life on the outside was.  Televisions, weight rooms, and conjugal visits surprisingly don’t strike a great deal of fear into the hearts of the habitual offenders. Now remember, our prison system is supposed to “rehabilitate” people so that they will be law abiding citizens when they are released back into society.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Rehabilitated?  People in prison learn to be even MORE criminal minded during their stay.  People in prison learn many different techniques from fellow inmates to hone their criminal craft, so that the odds of getting away with their crimes in the future are much better.  How’s that for rehabilitated?

So what’s the solution, you ask?  Well it’s very simple.  All of the sympathetic bleeding-heart types out there won’t like it…but those people can go fuck themselves. They’re nothing more than enablers for criminals anyway.  So my solution has two parts: dismemberment and death.  Now I absolutely hate middle eastern countries, but I have to admit that when it comes to punishment for crimes, they got it right.  We should adopt the same toughness.  For first time offenders for crimes besides murder, we start cutting shit off.  Maybe a hand or a foot…and obviously a dick in rape cases.  Now if that doesn’t get through to the offender and that person commits another crime, then it’s instant death.  Right on the spot. Done. Problem solved.  For murder cases, instant death…no second chances.  Now if America actually put this into practice, crime in this country would deplete to practically null. That is enough to drive real fear into people, and they wouldn’t even consider committing a crime.  Like I said, it’s not pretty, but it would be effective as hell.  And let’s remember that it’s for the safety and well being for all of us out there who walk the straight and narrow, and who are good, honest people. You know…the victims.  

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

It's Not What You Know...

Have you ever worked at a job (or in your current job) where there are a few people, if not more, that have absolutely no business being there at all?  I think we've all had to deal with this problem at one point or another, or you are currently dealing with it. 

I'm really tired of seeing people get really good jobs for all the wrong reasons.  In today's economic turmoil, even being able to find a shit job is tough, much less be lucky enough to land a great one.  That's why it angers me so much when I see shitbag people in positions that they shouldn't be in. They either don't have the qualifications to do the job, or they have the qualifications, but their work ethic is fucking horrible. For instance...where I work, there are a few people that are only employed there because they had "hookups" from someone already working there.  There is one douchebag in particular who has absolutely no background in our line of work whatsoever, but happens to be a friend of the family of the big boss. This guy is only good for two things, standing around drinking coffee and socializing.  He should consider doing those two things professionally, because he isn't worth a fuck to our company.  As far as performing the duties that the job requires, he fucks up on a daily basis. But he still maintains a nice secure paycheck, and why?  There are several other people out there who are very qualified to be working at my company, but are getting turned down left and right, and have to settle for a much lower paying job that they're overqualified for. 

Now, with the economy in the shitter, many companies are having to lay off employees just to be able to afford to keep their doors open.  And when it comes time to start letting people go, do you really think that the boss's buddy would get the axe?  Nope. It's going to be the guy who has earned his job there and has been an invaluable asset to the company's success that gets fucked over.  Meanwhile, the person who's main priority in the workday is checking their facebook, talking on the cell phone, and sharing the latest employee gossip over coffee and a smoke gets to keep on getting paid. 

Ever since I was old enough to have a job, I've always heard the phrase, "It's not what you know, it's WHO you know" being thrown around a lot.  Although it is a common cliche, it still rings painfully true.  It's sad when you put so much work, effort, education, and determination into learning a skill that will benefit you and your family financially, and then some dead-beat leisurely strolls right in front of you and takes it right out from under you, almost effortlessly.

So to all you recent college grads out there that are looking forward to grabbing the world by the horns, well I hope you majored in social networking...because that's most likely what's going to get you that dream job.  Good luck.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bad Drivers

So far in this blog, I've discussed all kinds of different people who piss me off for many different reasons.  But nothing can make me more enraged, or borderline psychotic than the douchebags I have to deal with with I'm driving.  People have always made me mad when I'm driving, but these days it's much worse.  I have a child now, so I'm obviously extremely protective of my precious cargo.  So when somebody does something stupid on the road, they are endangering the safety of my child.  It's one thing to put my life at risk with your shitty driving, but to put my child's life at risk REALLY makes me want to bash your fucking skull in.

In an earlier post, I discussed the "It's All About Me" type of mentality that is now plaguing most Americans these days.  Nothing can be more blatantly apparent than when you are driving.  People see you coming, but they will just pull right out in front of you, without warning. Even more so if you are on a motorcycle.  They think that just because their vehicle is bigger than yours, that they automatically have the right of way.  Pure simplistic, moronic way of thinking.  A close friend of mine was killed on his motorcycle because some fuckstain pulled out in front of him using the "my car is bigger" rationality...and it's almost happened to me on a motorcycle on 3 different occasions.

Another popular trend is running red lights.  I see this more and more each day.  The town I live in has installed traffic cameras at most intersections that automatically ticket people that run red lights, but those cameras aren't doing a bit of good.  Americans are in such a big damn hurry to do everything, that they can't be burdened to sit at a red light for 45 seconds.  No, they would much rather risk t-boning you at 50mph because that trip to Wal-Mart to buy a carton of cigarettes and a pregnancy test is so much more important than the lives of you and your family.

The next thing I've always wondered about is why people find it so difficult to use a goddamn blinker.  Not only is it the law, but it's also just a common courtesy so that those around you know where the fuck you're going.  But, as I stated in an earlier post, common courtesy is dead and gone.  Besides the idiots that never use their blinker, then you have the idiots that drive for miles and miles with their blinker on.  Are you wondering what that clicking noise coming out of your dashboard is?  Well it's your blinker, fuckstick...turn it off! 

Now once all of these idiotic drivers are done terrorizing everyone on the road, they make their way home and do yet another thing that bothers me to no end...park in the street instead of their empty driveway.  This baffles me.  Why would would you park in the street when you have a perfectly empty, spacious driveway?  Now that part of the street is narrowed down to one lane....and people have to wait on oncoming traffic before they can proceed around your damn car.  My dream in life is to one day buy an old clunker car, and take it to all residential neighborhoods and just fucking smash it into any vehicle I see parked in the street. Yes, it's good to have goals.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Hot Seat

I'm sure all guys can agree with me when I say that I'm getting sick and tired of hearing women bitch and complain about the us leaving the toilet seat up. 

Before I even get into the irrationality behind women's logic, let us first just look at the act itself. Exactly how hard is it to simply move a toilet seat from the up position to the down position? Does a toilet seat possess some kind of kryptonite-like properties that render a woman's arm strength to almost nothing? There is absolutely no manual labor involved here...none whatsoever. It literally takes less than one second to put the seat down.

Now, on to some of the half-assed excuses that that drive this feeble complaint of theirs. Some women will say that this is a courtesy issue. We know that you have to have the seat down to use the bathroom, so why not have it ready for you when it's time for you to go? Well the answer is because we would never get the same courtesy in return. There's not a woman out there that is going to put the lid back up after she's done. After all, look how hard it was to lower the goddamn thing to begin with.  Now besides courtesy, other women will argue that it is a sanitary/germ issue. Well here's a handy little tidbit of information for you. There are more germs and bacteria found on the keypad/screen of your cell phone than there is in a toilet.  And I'm not talking about your home toilet either...I mean a public toilet.  I'm not making this up...it has been scientifically proven.  So if you're one of these germaphobe people and think a toilet seat is "icky", then I suggest you put away your cell phone and never use it again. But we all know that will never happen. A woman would give up her first born child before she gives up her cell phone.  Also think about this: look how many dirty, icky things guys have to get into so that you don't have to. Yard work, vehicle upkeep, house maintenance, pest control, electronics installation/troubleshooting/repair...the list goes on and on. I'll tell you what...make this deal with your husband: You volunteer to take care of all of that stuff I just listed, and in return he'll put the toilet seat down. I guarantee he will take you up on that offer.

Now that I've poked holes in your "logic", if that's what you want to call it, let me give you my take. Personally, I don't think this is a courtesy or sanitary issue.  I simply think this is just another thing for women to nag us about.  You see, women HAVE to nag.  It's a necessity, just as important as breathing.  So when things are going too well and there's a shortage of topics to bitch about, women will always have that toilet seat issue in their back pocket...and will pull it out in a dire nagging drought emergency.  And if your husband is so reckless with his piss aim that he couldn't hit the bowl if he put a rifle scope on his dick, then you have a husband problem, not a toilet seat problem.  At any rate, this is a feeble, simplistic topic that needs to be put to rest by all women.  There are much worse issues in the world that you should be concerned about.  Stop wasting your energy on this one.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rest Assured...You're Insured.

Insurance companies suck.  I guess that's about the best way for me to open this post.  Have you ever thought about how much money you have put into insurance (auto, home, life) in your entire life? Now think about how much money the insurance company has given back to you for a claim. Those are some pretty fucking lopsided numbers, aren't they?

There are many types of policies for many different things.  For automobile insurance, you have to choose amongst a million different options for coverage. Do you want the uninsured motorist option? What kind of deductible would you like? How about this....just cover everything for zero deductible. Do you realize how much of my money you are robbing me of every fucking month?  If I had a fender bender, you assholes could pay for all of the repairs with no deductible from me and still be robbing me!  And to make matters worse, that fender bender will now make your rates go up, especially if Sen├Ár Magoo with no insurance is the one that was involved in the accident with you.

Home insurance can be even more ridiculous. So your house and all of your possessions are completely ruined by floods? Well sorry about your luck, because you didn't add flood coverage to your policy. Why do you have to pay extra for individual disasters that might happen?  Why can't one policy just fucking cover everything?  The insurance companies know that it's vital to be insured, so they take advantage of you in every way that they can.  So now your flooded house just rendered you homeless with nothing but the clothes you are wearing, while the insurance company that's supposed to be taking care of you just told you to go fuck yourself. How nice.

Here's a little quiz you can take to find out if you are getting fucked by an insurance company.  Do you have insurance?  If you answered yes, then you're getting fucked by an insurance company.  One of my favorite comedians, Dennis Miller, summed it up perfectly when he said that insurance companies are all about symbolism. Insurance companies use certain pictures to show you that you are safe and protected.  Allstate has the open hands, Traveler's has the umbrella, Nationwide has the blanket.  That is, of course, until you need to file a claim---then they all have the same symbol: a big, knobby eight inch dildo.  Actually, it's a ten inch dildo, but there's a two inch deductible.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


If you are a Christian that is easily offended when someone has negative things to say about religion, you might as well stop reading now.  There's your disclaimer...so if you continue reading and you're upset when you're done...then fuck you, because you were warned.

I've been racking my brain for years and years, but I still can't find one good thing to say about religion. I guess I should preface this post by saying that I don't have a problem with your religious beliefs, as long as those beliefs don't affect others.  Most religious beliefs are instilled in most people at a very early age, most likely passed down from family. Same goes for me. I was a Christian as a child, but mostly because that's what I was SUPPOSED to be. It was taboo to be anything else. Well all of that lasted until I reached the age of reason, and was able to do some thinking of my own. With some research and, most importantly common sense, it didn't take me long to figure out that all religions are complete bullshit. So don't think I'm just picking on Christianity.

In the history of the world, there has been more wars, deaths, violence, torture, and hatred...all in the name of God. So how exactly is that a good thing? Just turn on the nightly news, you'll see a nice big dose of the atrocities that your God allows to go on all the time. People raping and murdering little children, natural disasters like tsunamis, earthquakes, and tornados, destruction, random shootings, drug and alcohol induced violence, serial killers...the list goes on and on. How could a loving god allow all of this to happen?  Now, if you're like any other Christian, you'll no doubt start preaching to me about "free will".  Well you can go ahead and save that speech, because I've heard it already a million times. And each time I hear it, it still doesn't make any fucking sense.  Christianity has absolutely no rationality behind it whatsoever.  There is no evidence, proof, science or anything to support the christian religion as truth. Nothing.  The only way that christians rationalize their religion is to say, "Well you just have to have faith".  They say this because there is nothing else to support it. Well sorry, I need to see proof of purchase before I go blindly basing my life on a hunch. Religion is synonymous with mythology. Sure, it makes for a great story, but there's no way in fuck it actually happened.

Now, like I said before, I have no problem with you believing in God. After all, it is well within your rights as an American to believe in whatever you want to believe in....just as it's my right to be an athiest (or as I like to call it---a Free Thinker).  What I do have a problem with, however, is this need for religions to recruit.  Look, if I'm interested in your religion, I'll come to you.  But don't you dare step foot on my property and try to sell that shit to me. I will not hesitate to snatch that bible out of your hand and jam it straight up your ass sideways. And don't approach me on the street with pamphlets or brochures, either. Why is all of this necessary, anyways? Are you finding it hard to keep followers? Hmmm...I wonder why.

Christianity isn't just a religion, it's a business.  And let me tell you...business is booming.  Televangelists are some of the richest people. People pay pretty handsomely to be "healed" by some sweaty, fast talking piece of shit in a suit, dangling eternal salvation in front of these poor bastards like a leash in front of a chihuahua with one kidney.  Hell, I'm in the wrong business.  I'm willing to lie right to your face and make empty promises...all in exchange for a fast sports car and a giant mansion (all mostly tax free I might add).  Where do I sign?

Look folks, religion might ease your fears about death, but as far as while you're still alive...well it's mostly just causing trouble.  I can't help but laugh whenever I hear someone use the phrase "Christian values".  Believe me when I say that I have WAY better values than 90% of the christians that I know. You don't have to be a christian to be a good person. When I hear "Christian values", I think about how I'm looked down upon for not believing as you believe. I think about a mother that drowned all of her children in a bathtub because "God told her to do it".  I think about religious groups that protest in hatred at a soldiers funeral.  So you have christian values? Well you can keep them, because quite frankly, I'm better than that. Use your own brain for a change, and stop thinking and believing as you are told by others.  As far as I'm concerned, I can make you this promise: I will not judge you for your religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, or opinions....no matter how much I might disagree with them.  I will only judge you based on your strength of character, which is a lot more than I can say for Christianity.  Cheers.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Marketing Malaise

Have you ever noticed how people will buy pretty much anything if it is marketed right? All you need is to use the right buzz words, and I guarantee you can sell anything.

Being a night owl, I'm able to catch a lot of infomercials on tv. I can't help but laugh at some of the things that are selling. The other night I saw a commercial come on that was selling sunglasses. But these weren't just any sunglasses...they were HIGH DEFINITION sunglasses. When people see the term "HD" in front of anything, they automatically assume it's a great product. But these were just ordinary sunglasses. It's your own real-life vision, you fucking moron. It doesn't get any more "HD" than that. So why do I need to buy your shitty, BluBlocker recycled aviators for $19.95?

How about bottled water? Are you the type of person that pays a lot more for your water because the bottle says that it comes from the purest stream atop Mount Fuji? If so, go ahead and punch yourself in the face. I gurantee that I could fill up a bottle with the hose in my backyard, and you wouldn't even know the difference. You know why? Because it's just fucking water...that's why. I'll even go one step further and put the "recycled" green logo on it for you, just for added peace of mind.

If you really want to make some money, just advertise a magic weight loss pill. Americans will buy that without hesitation. Here's the American mentality for losing weight: "So all I have to do is take this pill a couple of times a day, and I'll lose weight. I can still eat what I want and I don't have to exercise or anything!". Then they hand over a fuckload of money for what boils down to be a sugar pill (placebo). They want the results without having to lift a finger. Classic genius.

Before I wrap this up, I'd like for someone to explain to me how the term "couponing" came to be. That's not even an actual thing. If you use a coupon on something, you are saving...not couponing. If you are collecting coupons to use later, you are collecting, not couponing. Much the same way if I want to take a sip of my Dr. Pepper, I'm drinking, not "soda canning". Couponing is not a word, much less to use it as a fucking verb. Once again, this is a marketing buzz word.

The moral of the story...stop buying stupid shit based on marketing buzz words. (I had more to rant about on this subject, but since I blog from work, I'm on a time constraint...and I just ran out. Sorry for the abrupt ending.)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Is That a Rash On Your Neck?

OK, people from the south, get ready to hate my guts...because this post is about rednecks. I should preface this post by saying that not all southern people are rednecks. To normal people, the term "redneck" is actually derogatory slang. But, for some reason, rednecks call themselves that with pride, as if it's a good thing.

For each race of human, there is a shitty version of it. We all know the terms, so I won't bother listing them. For white people, rednecks are at the abominable end of the spectrum. I personally don't use the term redneck. I prefer to call it what it is...white trash. You don't have to look very hard to spot one, either. Rednecks are everywhere...not just the south. They are usually loud and obnoxious, and don't know how to conduct themselves in public. They LOVE for the attention to be on them in a public place. I've also never understood the redneck dress code. Why is it necessary to wear Realtree camouflage in your everyday life...when you're NOT hunting? Why don't you do yourself a favor and hunt down some fucking self respect, okay Billy Bob? Of course, when they aren't camouflaging themselves, then they go the other end of the fashion spectrum: loud and gaudy. This wardrobe consists of some ripped jean shorts, flip flops, and a shirt that is covered with the American flag...preferrably with a giant eagle on it. Top that off with a Harley Davidson doo rag, and viola, you have yourself a Douchebag Delight.

The thing that baffles me most about white trash rednecks is how proud they are. They boast with all smiles about how much of a redneck they are. Why on earth would you be proud to be garbage? These people make absolutely no effort to better themselves in any way, shape, or form. Conversely, they actually strive to be trashier! What the fuck?

Another thing about rednecks that makes my skin crawl is their accent. They speak with very slow, drawn out words that, more times than not, are mispronounced...you know, much the same way a person does that has had a brain injury. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you take a break from catfishing and go get yourself an education? These are the type of people that think a thesaurus is a fucking dinosaur.

The bottom line is that being a redneck is nothing to be proud of. But, I guess in retrospect, it's kind of a good thing to have them around. For me personally, when I'm feeling down in the dumps with my life, I can always look at a white trash redneck and say, "Well it could be so much worse. At least I'm not like that dirty, barefooted fucktard right there."

Thursday, June 30, 2011

PC is BS

In this day and age, everyone has become so over-sensitive about everything. You can't say anything anymore without disturbing someone's delicate sensibilities. Then the term "Politically Correct" was born. Now everybody is passing it around like a joint at Lindsay Lohan's house.

So what are some of the things that everyone is so whiney about? Well, stewerds and stewardesses are now to be called Flight Attendants. You can't say midget anymore...now it's "little people". Handicapped has become "challenged". There has actually been a lot of tension in the last couple of years about people saying "Merry Christmas". Instead you have to say "Happy Holidays". There are commercials letting you know that you aren't allowed to say "that's gay". If you are the type of person that is offended or upset by any of these simple, petty things, than you are a mentally and emotionally feeble, pathetic excuse for a human being.

In my opinion, I really don't think it is a matter of people being offended by these things. I believe most people just want to tell you what you can and can't do. It makes their existance seem more validated. For instance, when a parent sees a TV show that has crude humor that might not be appropriate for their child, they make phone calls and write letters to the network demanding that the show be taken off the air. I guess it's too easy to just change the fucking channel, huh? But because you don't like it, you try to take it away from the millions of others that do like it.

I knew most people in this country were sensitive, but it hit a little closer to home thanks to social networking. I used to post opinions randomly on facebook, until I was flooded with hate mail and argumentative replies (hence the start of my blog). As for me...I see people post things on facebook everyday that I STRONGLY disagree with. But do I fight with them because we have different views? No I don't. I just don't say anything at all. And I have the option to hide their posts if I don't like them. That's what mature, intelligent people do. Which reminds me...my facebook friends list needs some cleaning up.

Look, the bottom line is that everybody needs to calm the fuck down and stop being so touchy feely about everything. If there are things that bother and upset you, do what I do and blog about it. If people like your views, they'll read it...if they don't like it, they won't read it. It's that simple. Freedom of choice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to wrap this up so I can go back to making fun of midgets and saying "that's gay" to things I don't like.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Mobile Obituary

I still haven't figured out why it has become so popular to put an obituary on the back windshield of your car. What a great way to honor the dead...put them in Times New Roman font on the back of your shitty 1992 Ford Escort. Why can't you people leave this person's obituary on their headstone where it belongs? I didn't know your relative, so why are you advertising it to me? Am I supposed to to flag you down and have you pull over, so that I can give you some flowers and hug?

These mobile obituaries vary from small, short, and to the point...all the way to extremely detailed, and are so long that you need to continue it on a fucking second vehicle. I have actually seen an obituary on the back of a car that contained the person's bowling score. Seriously. I don't even have a joke here...it was his fucking bowling score. Look, if the best way to sum up my life after I die is to tell everyone that I was a great bowler...then do me a favor and put a bullet in my head right now please. And don't say anything about my bowling score. Make some shit up if you have to. Tell everyone that I coined the phrase "Pardon My French" if that makes me sound more interesting.

I have also seen people put their dog's obituary on the back of their vehicle. I really wish I was making this shit up, but I really have seen this. It's bad enough when you put a human's obituary on your car, so I'm really amazed when I see someone pay homage to "Skittles" the fucking schnauzer with a Rest In Peace sticker.

Look folks, losing a loved one is tough, and I really do sympathize when someone has to go through this. But putting this shit on the back of your car is a mockery to their name and memory in my personal opinion. Not to mention it's tacky as hell. Not too long ago, the American public reserved their rear windshield for Calvin pissing on something. How did we go from that to obituaries anyway?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wal-Mart Makes Me Homicidal

I think we can all agree that Wal-Mart is refuge for some of the lowest forms of human life on the planet. That goes for the customers AND employees. I try to avoid that place like the plague, because I know that when I go in there, I become instantly pissed off. The only time I will go into Wal-Mart is if no other place has what I'm looking for, and I need it that day so I can't wait for shipping from Amazon (which is where I buy most of my things).

So I walk into Wal-Mart. The first person I see is the Door Greeter/Receipt Nazi. The greeter doesn't, in fact, greet me...but rather gives me a disgusted look as if to say "Go fuck yourself". Hey, it's pretty obvious you've made some huge vocational errors that have lead you here. That's not my fault so don't take it out on me.

So I proceed into the store and begin to look for the items I need to buy. Here's where I come into contact with the customers of Wal-Mart. As I make my way into an aisle, I see in front of me two big fat black women. They are standing side by side with their carts, and they know each other so they stop and chat. Well since they are side by side, they are blocking the entire aisle. Well they both see me coming, and it's completely obvious that I need to get around them. Do they move? Of course not, because it's all about them...and I don't matter. Common courtesy isn't just dead...it's been cremated and Lindsay Lohan is smoking it's ashes in her lucky skull bong. As I make my way to the next aisle, I'm approached by a white trash crack whore looking women, followed by her four or five loud, dirty, barefoot children (all of whom look nothing alike). The disgusting spawn are all screaming and playing up and down the aisle, as if being at Wal-Mart is some sort of fucking vacation resort. Does the mother of the year tell her kids to quiet down and behave in public? Of course not. She's got other things on her mind...like the fact that she's running low on smokes and that she hopes she can make it back home in time to watch her stories.

So I'm finally done shopping and I'm ready to check out. I unload my stuff on the conveyor belt and approach the cashier. The cashier is missing most of her teeth and has several jailhouse tats on her forearms. Rather than greeting me with a simple "Hello", she is instead talking with the cashier in the next lane about how much she hates one of the other employees who happens to be off today. Very professional behavior when you're in the customer service business. So I check out, grab my bags and make my way to the exit. Now here comes the Receipt Nazi. As she's approaching you, she's giving you a look as if you are guilty of something. I hand her my receipt, and she quickly scribbles on it with her pen. She didn't actually check anything, she just wanted to assert her dominance over me. In her eyes, you're at her mercy. Only upon her approval may you leave the store.

So from start to finish, being at Wal-Mart is an absolutely horrible experience. I would say that 90% of the people I come in contact with there need to be euthanized.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Fairweather Fans

Have you noticed that more and more people can't stick with one team anymore. It seems that most people just want to root for whoever is doing the best at the moment.

I became a huge hockey fan in 1998 when I went to my first Nashville Predators game. As an expansion team coming into the NHL, they had a lot of work to do. But since day 1, I have been a die hard loyal Preds fan through and through...even year after year when they were always one of the worst teams in the NHL. Most people outside of the Nashville area didn't even know that they were an NHL team...most locals thought they were a minor league team. Then magically, after a lot of time and hard work (and great drafting), the Predators made it to the playoffs for the first time. When that happened, a whole lot of "fans" started coming out of the woodwork. The local media finally started giving them some airtime on the news. There were Predators bumper stickers and banners on so many cars. But where was all of this attention before they made it to the playoffs? I'll tell you...the attention was on the popular teams that were doing well, like the Detroit Red Wings. Hell, even right now, if the Preds played the Red Wings in Nashville, you'd still see a sea of red jerseys all over the arena. I guarantee you that the most of the Red Wing fans all over the country have never even stepped foot in the state of Michigan. And it's ok to have a favorite team from a place you've never been, as long as it never changes based on standings from year to year.

I can still remember as a very young child when I started getting into sports, and had a passion for football. I always looked forward to sundays, getting to watch the ball game with my dad. He told me to pick a team, and stick with them through thick and thin. Well, back then in the 80's, Tennessee didn't have a football team (or any professional sports team). So I decided I would look at all the NFL logos and team colors, and make my decision based on the one I liked best. I came to the conclusion that the Buffalo Bills would be my team. I'm still cheering for them to this day. Yes, I was with them when they lost four straight Super Bowls (and suffered through much ridicule from my friends), and I'm still with them as they are currently one of the worst teams in the NFL.

Too many people these days are douchebags, though. They want to be wearing the jersey of the champions...and they'll sell out again next year when someone else is on top. Hey, I wonder how many new Boston Bruin fans there are now.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How Aware Are You?

I get so annoyed when I see all of these "awareness" ribbons on so many vehicles and clothes. So let me get this straight: If I wear a pink ribbon, a pink shirt, or a pink tie, then breast cancer will be one step closer to being cured? The answer is no...and you're stupid for thinking it does. Believe me, my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered through such a terrible illness, but me wearing a pink shirt isn't going to do shit as far as curing cancer goes. The only thing I will accomplish by wearing a pink shirt is looking like a homo. And let's go ahead a clear this up: Guys, it's not ok to wear pink. If you do, you will look like a guy that has an abundance of penis in or around his mouth.

Let's start by looking at the many different awareness ribbons (and most colors are supposed to raise awareness for multiple things).
White ribbon: Women's Violence, or Multiple Hereditary Extoses
Yellow ribbon: Support Our Troops, or Suicide Prevention
Puzzle ribbon: Autism Awareness
Blue Ribbon: Colon cancer, Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, Human Trafficking Awareness, Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness, Addiction Recovery Awareness
Light Blue ribbon: Child Abuse Awareness
Purple ribbon: Lupus, Domestic Violence, Alzheimer's, Cystic Fibrosis
Lavender ribbon: Epilepsy Awareness
Orange ribbon: Leukemia, Multiple Sclerosis
Red ribbon: AIDS

I could go on and on and on here, but I think you get the point. Go online and take a look at the full list of ribbons, and the things they represent. Now just imagine how many ribbons have been sold for people to wear and put on their vehicles. And as a result, guess how many of these things have been cured....you guessed it, not a goddamn one. I think I'm going to start the trend of wearing a brown ribbon, for Bullshit Awareness.

Let's go back and take a look at breast cancer again, since it seems to be one of the most popularly marketed afflictions. On breast cancer awareness day (or week), the media encourages you to wear a pink ribbon, a pink tie, or a pink shirt that proclaims "I Support Breast Cancer Awareness". Have you ever really thought about where your money is going when you buy these things? Sure, maybe a small portion of that is going to the American Cancer Society, but not as much as you think. Let's say I paid $15 for a breast cancer awareness shirt. Sure, maybe about $0.35 of that is going to the cause, but the company that made the shirt just got $14.65. There are many companies out there whose sole purpose is making awareness ribbons. How do you think those companies stay in business? The American media has taken terrible things like cancer, autism, and child abuse and marketed them in just the right way to turn a profit...and nobody seems to have caught on yet. I swear, Americans would buy a human turd if you put an awareness ribbon on it.

Look, I'm not telling everyone to turn your back on all of these terrible things that require due attention. All I'm saying is that you're wasting your money on stupid marketing campaigns that are making other people rich. If you want to help support cancer research, that is fantastic...I support that too. But please don't waste your money buying ribbons and shirts. Instead, take that money that you would have spent on that crap, and donate it directly to the American Cancer Society. Your dollar will go a lot further that way.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Douchebags in The Morning

One of the most annoying group of people in the world are radio DJ's.  An even more annoying group are DJ's that do morning shows.  These people try so hard to be funny, but fall horribly short of the mark.  They tell these extremely lame, pathetic excuses for jokes, and then laugh hysterically at the shit they just said. Hey fella...what you just said wasn't in the slightest bit funny, much less funny enough to be laughing as hard as you are.  Here's a crazy idea...why don't you shut the fuck up and play some music?

Morning show DJ's also love to play song parodies.  They put on some Ray Stevens-esque song that is supposed to be such a riot (and it probably is...to a 4th grader), all the while leaving the microphone on so that the audience can listen to these tools gut-laugh through the entire thing.  Let's face it, your "comedy" wouldn't cut it at a saturday open mic night in a retirement home.  DJ's should have one job, and one job only: play songs. We need you to talk as little as possible. Actually, just don't talk at all.  If I wanted talking, I would turn on my TV.

And for those of you who know me, please don't come up to me and ask if I heard that "incredibly funny" thing on John Boy & Billy in The Morning.  I'm probably just going to insult you for being the half-wit that you are, and for finding enjoyment in stupid things.  Then I'm going to recommend that you punch yourself in the face...hard.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Reality of It Is...

Am I the only one who thinks that reality television shows are killing everyone's brain cells at an alarming rate? It's almost all that's available left to watch these days, and the American sheeple are always left wanting more. So much in fact, that most of the time a new show comes out that ISN'T a reality show, the network doesn't pick it up and it's cancelled after only a few episodes. And let's clarify something real quick: These reality shows that you love so much...they are far from being reality.

Let's start with the first group of brain liquefying shows: pretty much everything that comes on VH1 and MTV. I've wanted these two channels off the air for a long time now. All these channels do is promote outlandish drunken behavior, utter stupidity, and a lot of has-been washed up celebrities choosing the best of about fifteen dirty, disease infested skanks. Don't worry though...the skanks that didn't make it on that show will eventually move on to another reality show where they try to top themselves from before. Let's look at MTV and VH1's target demographic. All the programming for these two networks are aimed at young teenagers through twenty-somethings....you know, the people who are eventually supposed to lead this country. Scary, isn't it?

Now let's look at the next group of shows that will grow barnacles on your cerebrum: "finding love" reality shows. These shows like "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" have such a moronic premise...meet a group of complete strangers, date them all, fall in love and get married...all within ten episodes or so. How responsible. I bet divorce lawyers' eyes light up and this kind of behavior. Don't you people at home know that stuff isn't real? It's all for the cameras. If those cameras weren't there, the actions and all dialogue between these people would be COMPLETELY different...not to mention a lot less dramatic.

Let's see what's next...I can't leave out singing competitions! I've never quite understood what people's obsessions are with these shows. Yeah, there's nothing I like better than to watch some untalented hack get up on stage and butcher some really good songs. These shows are just televised kareoke...and kareoke sucks. Especially when these tone-deaf morons try to really belt out the classics. Listen, the only person I want to hear sing "When a Man Loves a Woman" is Percy Sledge. For those of you who thought I was gonna say Michael Bolton, take this moment to punch yourself in the face.

Here's the next group of shows that will turn your cerebral cortex into a toxic wasteland: judge shows. Before I get into how stupid these shows are, let's just take a look at how many of them have weaseled their way into our homes: Judge Judy, The People's Court, Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, Divorce Court, Judge Alex, Judge Jeanine Pirro...should I go on?? Okay...Judge Mills Lane, Judge Hatchett, Judge Maria Lopez, Judge David Young, Judge Karen, Cristina's Court....well you get the picture. Look, these shows are nothing short of a complete mockery of the judicial system. It's no wonder that nobody takes the courts seriously anymore. These people are like Jerry Springer with a gavel. Most of the time, the judges on these shows act more ridiculous than the plaintiff and defendant. And why? For ratings, of course! Most of the people aren't even able to get a complete sentence out before the judge cuts them off to get ratings. How's that for your case being looked at fairly?

Now I'd like to mention that The Learning Channel should change it's name. There is nothing to be learned from midgets making chocolate, Toddlers and Tiaras, Sister Wives, Say Yes To the Dress, 19 Kids And Counting, Cake Boss, LA Ink...okay, everything on that horrible fucking excuse for a network.

Listen, I'm not saying that all reality shows are bad. I'm just saying that MOST reality shows are bad. Yes, believe it or not, there are some reality shows that have some educational value, and are very thought-provoking. But what am I saying? You have no interest in that stuff. You may now go back to watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Jersey Shore. Be sure and wear a bib so the drool doesn't get on your shirt.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

What's Your Life Worth?

Does anybody else notice that, in America, the value of your life is dependent on your job title? If something really bad happened to you, your job title will depend on whether or not you make the news. Fucked up, isn't it?

Some time back, I remember a news report about a guy that was shot while trespassing on someone else's property at around 1am. Well it just so happened that the trespasser was an off duty police officer. So the headline was "Off Duty Police Officer Shot"...and made him sound like the victim. Now...what if that guy stocked shelves at Kroger? It would be a completely different story (if it even made the news at all). The headline wouldn't read "Off Duty Kroger Employee Shot"...no, that's not news-worthy. The headline would be "Prowler Shot". But just because this idiot is a cop for a living, it was the leading story in the morning news. If he would have been shot while on the job, I would completely understand. But in this story, the guy's job title had absolutely no relevance.

Last month, a woman in Shelbyville, TN was reported missing, and her car was found burned. Do you know how many people are reported as missing every single day in America? Well guess what...the Shelbyville woman just happened to be a teacher. Again, it was the leading story on the news, and the headline was "Missing Teacher"...not "Missing Shelbyville Woman". What does her being a teacher have anything to do with this story? What if the guy who works the fries at McDonald's had went missing? I guarantee that you wouldn't see it in the news...because as far as the media is concerned, nobody cares.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what you do for a living. Even high profile "heroic" jobs like police officers, teachers, firefighters, etc. have the ability to be complete shitbags and criminals in their off time. But in America, their life is worth much more than yours. Just take a minute and really think about that. And you thought you were insignificant before. So if you want to know what your life is worth, just ask the American media...they'll let you know. They all carry a job-to-worth conversion chart in the top drawer of their news desk.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

American Attitude..."It's All About Me"

I guess being kind and respectful to your fellow human beings is a lost cause in America these days, huh?  I've known that this concept has been dying for a while, but now I'm pretty sure it's officially dead.

Complete and utter disrespect seems to be the order of the day no matter where you go in this country.  This is even more accentuated if you've spent any time away from the United States, and then came back to be greeted by it's oh so friendly citizens.  Case and point: My brother is in the Air Force, and for some time now, has been stationed in Okinawa Japan.  In Japan, being respectful to others is a very big part of their culture.  Just going to eat at a fast food joint, you see the employees dressed in fancy, nicely pressed uniforms, and they treat every customer as though you are royalty...and they are honored to do so.  When's the last time you had a positive customer service experience in America?  Yeah, I can't remember either.  My brother also told me about how easy it is to know when an American is nearby.  He will be waiting at a red light, when all of the sudden he hears the obnoxiously loud thumping of sub woofers coming from 5 cars back.  Yup...an American GI.  You won't won't see the locals there forcing everyone around them to listen to their shitty music...because that's disrespectful to others.  And 95% of the time you hear of any crime on the island of Okinawa, it's caused by an American. 

It's no wonder that every other country in the world hates our guts.  Most Americans are rude, obnoxious, selfish, careless, disrespectful, and generally have an "It's All About Me...Fuck Everyone Else" kind of mentality.  But yet you will here every American say that this is the greatest country on Earth.  Let me break it down simply about how the world sees us.  Let's pretend you work in an office building with many many cubicles in it. Well you stand up on your desk in your cubicle and yell as loud as you can, "Excuse me everyone! Stop what you are doing for a moment...I have something to say. I just wanted to let everyone here know that I'm better than you.  Thanks!" Now, if someone did that where you worked, can you imagine the reaction from everyone else there?

So why are Americans such dicks?  Well, it hasn't always been that way.  Granted, I'm not saying everything has to look like an Andy Griffith episode, but I can remember in the not-so-distant past that things weren't nearly this bad.  Today, you can't walk into a department store without seeing an employee sigh and roll his or her eyes because they actually have to do their job.  You can't turn on the TV without seeing a "reality" show where people are screaming, yelling and talking trash about the other people on the show....and then every other word has to be bleeped out, so much that by the end of the show, it feels like you just sat through a fucking hearing test.  You can't turn on the nightly news without hearing about murders, kidnaps, rapes, child abuse, theft, and assault....everywhere from the biggest cities to the smallest communities.  Having a bad attitude is being promoted so much, in fact being pounded into the heads of Americans from every aspect...music, television, and the general public.  It's sad to see the country that I once loved be diminished to this type of culture.  I find it to be nearly impossible to find anything positive to say about the United States anymore, and it pains me to admit that.

So now I know what you're saying. "Marcus, if you think America sucks so bad, why don't you just get the hell out?"  Well the truth is...I'm trying.  I want nothing more than to move to Canada permenantly and become a citizen.  Do you know how expensive a move like that costs?  Anyone who is middle class in America knows how broke I am right now.  You don't work like a dog to get ahead...you work like a dog just to be able to stay where you are.  I'll be glad to accept any donations that you might have to fund my great Canadian dream!  Just let me know and I'll set up the link where you can send your money.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

That's Not What You Are

Why are so many people out there so ashamed of their job that they create these ridiculous titles for themselves? It seems that people have lost the ability to call things what they really are...or as the kids say, keep it real.

So you're a bartender? Then why the fuck are you telling everyone that you are a "Mixologist"? There is no such thing as mixology, okay? To have the suffix -ology is to imply that there is some form of science involved. Trust me, there is nothing scientific about serving a guy a bunch of drinks, then watching him make an ass of himself by getting rejected about six times before finally zeroing in on the fat chick of the group. Furthermore, I've never seen a bartender wearing a lab coat and safety glasses there at their highly scientific laboratory called "The Hogs Head Bar & Grill". Look, if you really want a job with a fancy, important sounding name, you should probably enroll in an accredited college where you can learn a real skill...because knowing how how to make a mean Long Island Iced Tea isn't quite cutting it vocationally. But hey, it's an honest, hard working job that's paying your bills, right? So there's really nothing to be ashamed of. Now go out there and be the best damned bartender you can be! (Your tip depends on it)

So you're a garbage man? Then why the fuck are you telling everyone that you are a "Sanitation Engineer"? First, let's just define the word engineer:
1. a person trained and skilled in the design, construction, and use of engines or machines, or in any of various branches of engineering

Let's face it, you aren't designing or constructing anything...you're picking up trash. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Again, it's an honest, hard working job that is generating an income which allows you to provide for you and your family. But when you dress up your job with these ridiculous, overexaggerated titles, it turns you into a pretentious douche.

So no matter how basic or insignificant you think your job is, just remember that there are much worse things that you could be....you know, like a drug dealer, or a producer of any show on MTV.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Your Customized Ride is Gay.

Have you seen some of the ridiculous looking vehicles that are on the roads these days? What are people thinking when they put these unbelievably oversized rims on a jacked up 1985 Cutlass? Yeah, I'm talking to you, "Thug Life". What, exactly, is the point of jacking these thug cars way up in the air? The other day I saw a "G Unit" wannabe in a cutlass that was so high in the air, you would need supplemental oxygen to ride in the fucking thing. And of course you have to have your music loud enough that everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear it...and feel it. It's funny how most of these tools can't read or write, but can sure as shit hook up a system in their car.

The next group of complete douchebags are these Fast and Furious superfans. Guess what? It doesn't look cool to put a giant wing spoiler on the back of your half-bondo'd 1992 Ford Escort (even though it's such a high performance vehicle which can reach break-neck speeds). Those are the low budget fans though. Now let's get to the real Fast & Furious fanatics...those guys that sink unbelievable amounts of money into customizing whatever Japanese import car they might have. The fully eqipped trunk pops open to display an array of electronics, ranging from speakers and subs, right down to a Playstation 3 playing on an LCD TV. Of course there is always room set aside for the nitrous bottles, too. Then we get to the outside of the car. Have you seen some of these paint jobs? They have multiple neon colors with an array of shapes and designs, along with the liquid splash graphics down the sides. Well here's a newsflash: We're all laughing at you because your car looks like a fucking Trapper Keeper.

It really baffles me how much work and money goes into these vehicles, when all they are doing is making the vehicle, and themselves look completely idiodic. If you have a car like this, or think that they are cool in any way, please go ahead and take this moment to punch yourself in the face...hard.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


There was a movie that came out some time back called "Idiocracy".  While the film itself fell way short of being good, the point that it was trying to make was very valid. Basically it's saying that as time goes by, people are getting dumber. And here in America, that couldn't be more true.

So how is this "dumbing down" effect happening?  Well it's simple.  Stupid people are breeding at an alarming rate...so much more than smart people.  Actually I shouldn't even say smart people. I should say normal people.  Not only are stupid people multiplying rapidly, but so are shitbags that couldn't care less about their kids. Why are those the people that have the most children?

I, for one, think it should be mandatory to take an IQ test before you're given the green light to procreate.  Those who don't pass should be temporarily sterilized until you're able to meet the requirements, both mentally and financially.  You only get 3 chances in your whole life.  If you can't pass in 3 tries, you are sterilized permanently so you can't pollute the planet any further. Now I know what you're thinking. That sounds really harsh and Nazi-like, doesn't it?  Well, you gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelet.  Some of the most effective solutions aren't always pretty or lenient.

It kills me when I see good, honest people who really want to have a child, and have so many troubles along the way. And then I see a crack and meth addicted woman that has 8 kids...none of which she gives a shit about.  Then I see these tough guy bad ass types, who constantly proclaim to all of their friends and co-workers, "I can't wait until my kids are grown and out of the house".  Well I have a question: If that's the way you feel, then why the fuck did you have kids in the first place? How about if I repeatedly kick you in the balls for an hour so that you won't be burdened by that kid problem again in the future.  But these are the people who are outnumbering us, until eventually those type of people will be all that's left. I'm actually really surprised that more people aren't addressing this, because it's a very real problem.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

And The Douchiest Facebook Post Goes To...

You come across all kinds on Facebook.  Some people post about things they like, some about the things that bother them (like I do), and some just like to keep in touch with friends and family that they aren't able to see in person very often.  These are all of the things that make Facebook such a great social network, and why it is so popular.  But with popularity comes stupidity.  Everyone has a handful (or more) of people on their friends list that they either have hidden or removed, simply because their posts are annoying the shit out of you.

So you might ask yourself: How do I know if I'm being an annoying douche on Facebook?  Well, that's why I'm here...to enlighten you!  Here are some things that can get you hidden or removed from people's friends list:

1. Constantly posting music videos.  Yes, we've all seen music videos before...it's not some new concept that you've just stumbled upon.  Furthermore, nobody is getting anything out of that lame song you just posted. Nobody will be uplifted, entertained, amused, or thought-provoked simply because you like fucking Nickelback.
2.  Sending out requests to help someone's garden, farm, mafia, or any other mindless games that are played on Facebook.  If you play any of these games, do me a favor and punch yourself in the face...hard.
3.  Posting song lyrics. So you know the words to a song? Congratu-fucking-lations. Please refer to #1.
4.  Posting prayers. Jesus isn't on Facebook.  And if he was, I've probably already unfriended him because he kept sending me requests to help him on Mafia Wars.  Fucker.
5.  Sending "Shout Outs" to dead people. It's always sad when somebody loses a loved one, and I do sympathize. But here's a newsflash: your deceased loved ones can't read your shout out to them on your facebook wall. You know why? Because they're dead.

Well, I could go on and on, but those would have to be my top five.  Don't get me wrong here, folks...I'm not saying everyone on my friends list has to have everything in common with me. People have different views, hobbies, opinions, and personalities.  Just try to be more original, and a little less douchy (nope...that's not a word but I'm using it anyway). Happy posting!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bascetti For Brains

Why can't people spell basic words anymore?  I guess I should preface this post by saying that I'm no scholar, and I make my fair share of grammatical errors from time to time. Maybe I was in a hurry and hit "enter" without proofreading, and there was a letter or two that was misplaced or left out. My problem is with these mouth breathers that INTENTIONALLY misspell words, or replace words with numbers.  Here's a newsflash for you: when you type things like "wut" or "dis and dat"...or replace the words "to" or "too" with the number 2, it doesn't make you sound cool.  In fact, it makes you look like the uneducated fucking idiot that you are. 

For the life of me, I can't figure out why today's society has set the precedent that sounding stupid is much better than sounding educated.  So where did all the grammatical idiocy stem from?  We are in the cell phone age where most people use text messaging as a primary form of communication. It's quick and easy, just the way we Americans like it.  But why can't we still text and post to facebook and twitter, all the while still spelling BASIC short words correctly?  And let's get that straight...these are the most basic of words.  You don't have to be college educated to be able to correctly spell "what" and "to".  You should be able to get those right with a third grade public education.  So is speed the argument?  Are you spelling words that way to save time?  How much time are you really saving by replacing the word "to" with "2"?  It's one less character for fuck's sake. 

I'm still of the opinion that Idiocracy is in full force.  Each generation seems to be getting dumber and dumber.  What's worse yet, American society is embracing the stupidity, and promoting it as being a great thing.  Hell, you see it in just about every reality show.  I am truly scared for the future of this country.

"I'm a Complete Idiot...Please Tell Me What To Do Next"

Why is it that everyone in America these days needs to be told common sense things in order to get through their day-to-day lives. Why do you need confirmation from someone else when you already know the solution to your problem? For instance, when I see these complete morons who think Dr. Phil is so great and knowledgeable, when all he does is tell people basic common sense things. "Um...Dr. Phil...I have a drinking problem. What do I do?" And then Dr. Phil is like, "Stop drinking." Then the audience starts clapping and saying, "Wow, he's good!". Fuck, I can do that. I think I'm going to change my name to Dr. Marcus and start charging the sheeple of America to hear my expert life-changing advice. I'll be rich in no time.

Another group of complete fucktards are the people who swear by these "financial experts" turned radio show hosts, like Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey. Once again, making people hang on every word by dishing out common sense. "Um...Dave Ramsey...I make $20,000 a year. Can I afford a $1.2 million house?" And then Dave is like, "No." Cue the audience breaking out into applause, "Wow, he's good!".

These people are making millions of dollars off of the fact that the majority of the American populus is completely fucking stupid...and trust me, business is booming. Look folks, you don't need these people directing your lives for you. You know the right thing to do...so do it. You already know the answers to most of life's issues that are dealt your way, so just do what you need to do and get on with it. Of course, there are a lot of you out there that really do need someone to tell you common sense things. If you are one of those people, please do the world a favor and kill yourself before you procreate and breed more stupidity.