Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Wal-Mart Makes Me Homicidal

I think we can all agree that Wal-Mart is refuge for some of the lowest forms of human life on the planet. That goes for the customers AND employees. I try to avoid that place like the plague, because I know that when I go in there, I become instantly pissed off. The only time I will go into Wal-Mart is if no other place has what I'm looking for, and I need it that day so I can't wait for shipping from Amazon (which is where I buy most of my things).

So I walk into Wal-Mart. The first person I see is the Door Greeter/Receipt Nazi. The greeter doesn't, in fact, greet me...but rather gives me a disgusted look as if to say "Go fuck yourself". Hey, it's pretty obvious you've made some huge vocational errors that have lead you here. That's not my fault so don't take it out on me.

So I proceed into the store and begin to look for the items I need to buy. Here's where I come into contact with the customers of Wal-Mart. As I make my way into an aisle, I see in front of me two big fat black women. They are standing side by side with their carts, and they know each other so they stop and chat. Well since they are side by side, they are blocking the entire aisle. Well they both see me coming, and it's completely obvious that I need to get around them. Do they move? Of course not, because it's all about them...and I don't matter. Common courtesy isn't just dead...it's been cremated and Lindsay Lohan is smoking it's ashes in her lucky skull bong. As I make my way to the next aisle, I'm approached by a white trash crack whore looking women, followed by her four or five loud, dirty, barefoot children (all of whom look nothing alike). The disgusting spawn are all screaming and playing up and down the aisle, as if being at Wal-Mart is some sort of fucking vacation resort. Does the mother of the year tell her kids to quiet down and behave in public? Of course not. She's got other things on her mind...like the fact that she's running low on smokes and that she hopes she can make it back home in time to watch her stories.

So I'm finally done shopping and I'm ready to check out. I unload my stuff on the conveyor belt and approach the cashier. The cashier is missing most of her teeth and has several jailhouse tats on her forearms. Rather than greeting me with a simple "Hello", she is instead talking with the cashier in the next lane about how much she hates one of the other employees who happens to be off today. Very professional behavior when you're in the customer service business. So I check out, grab my bags and make my way to the exit. Now here comes the Receipt Nazi. As she's approaching you, she's giving you a look as if you are guilty of something. I hand her my receipt, and she quickly scribbles on it with her pen. She didn't actually check anything, she just wanted to assert her dominance over me. In her eyes, you're at her mercy. Only upon her approval may you leave the store.

So from start to finish, being at Wal-Mart is an absolutely horrible experience. I would say that 90% of the people I come in contact with there need to be euthanized.


  1. LOL LOL LOL, it's all true, but I still like shopping at Walmart.

  2. Boy am I glad my wal mart is nothing like that, except the lady with kids.