That's Not What You Are

Why are so many people out there so ashamed of their job that they create these ridiculous titles for themselves? It seems that people have lost the ability to call things what they really are...or as the kids say, keep it real.

So you're a bartender? Then why the fuck are you telling everyone that you are a "Mixologist"? There is no such thing as mixology, okay? To have the suffix -ology is to imply that there is some form of science involved. Trust me, there is nothing scientific about serving a guy a bunch of drinks, then watching him make an ass of himself by getting rejected about six times before finally zeroing in on the fat chick of the group. Furthermore, I've never seen a bartender wearing a lab coat and safety glasses there at their highly scientific laboratory called "The Hogs Head Bar & Grill". Look, if you really want a job with a fancy, important sounding name, you should probably enroll in an accredited college where you can learn a real skill...because knowing how how to make a mean Long Island Iced Tea isn't quite cutting it vocationally. But hey, it's an honest, hard working job that's paying your bills, right? So there's really nothing to be ashamed of. Now go out there and be the best damned bartender you can be! (Your tip depends on it)

So you're a garbage man? Then why the fuck are you telling everyone that you are a "Sanitation Engineer"? First, let's just define the word engineer:
–noun
1. a person trained and skilled in the design, construction, and use of engines or machines, or in any of various branches of engineering

Let's face it, you aren't designing or constructing anything...you're picking up trash. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Again, it's an honest, hard working job that is generating an income which allows you to provide for you and your family. But when you dress up your job with these ridiculous, overexaggerated titles, it turns you into a pretentious douche.

So no matter how basic or insignificant you think your job is, just remember that there are much worse things that you could be....you know, like a drug dealer, or a producer of any show on MTV.